What not to get your kids for Christmas

Puppy: Are your kids not loud and messy and annoying enough? Problem solved. It is a fact that Puppies will destroy things that you care about. They will eat your XBox controller, the remote, and the corner of your leather couch. They pee on floors, bark all night and get into your trash. Buying your kid a puppy is the stupidest thing you could ever do. Hate someone? Buy their kid a puppy.

Popcorn Popper Push Toy: These stupid things make the most annoying noise you’ve ever heard. It doesn’t sound like popcorn. It sounds like the devil tapping his pointy finger repeatedly into the back of your brain. Somehow kids are not at all annoyed by the sound of these awful things. You, however, will hate the noise so much that you’ll want to kill yourself by New Year’s eve.

Bouncie Balls: Ever been ear-holed by one of these weapons of mass destruction? Your kid will love how they bounce off every wall and Plasma screen in your house. You, however, will want to throw it as hard as you can out the front door.

Anything Where Elmo Sings: Look, I like Elmo as much as the next parent, but giving your child the power to call on Elmo’s ear-drum shattering voice at the squeeze of a stuffed hand is just plain ignorant. I own a pizza restaurant, so I thought it might be fun to get one of these things in the video for my little guy. It was….for about five minutes. Now it’s hidden.

Tee Ball Set: Aww. Look at the little princess about to lace into to a hard plastic ball. Ever seen America’s Funniest Home Videos? Right. So you know how well these things tend to work out for good ol’ Dad. If you value your balls or your nose, leave this thing on the shelf. “But I want to give little junior a head start on his eye hand coordination!” Shut up. Seriously. Shut your mouth.

I could sit here all night and think of things not to get your kids. I’m probably better off suggesting things that you should get them as the list is much shorter. Ready?

1. Books. Your kid has a better chance of making a decent living if he/she is smart. Knowledge is hidden in books. Teach your kid to read and give them the keys to a bright future. LaVar Burton taught me that (On Reading Rainbow, not Star Trek Next Generation).

2. Pajamas. PJs are the one type of clothes for which your kids won’t totally hate you for getting. Get them something with their favorite cartoon on it or with the feet sewn on and you won’t have to spend your hard earned money on it later in the year. This is where you get to pawn off one of the things you’re already obligated to buy as a gift. It won’t last forever though. Eventually they get wise to this.

3. A trip. Don’t be the stupid suburbanite white person that raises little robot jerks who don’t know what life is like beyond their world of strip malls and mediocrity. Take them somewhere. If you live in the city, go to the country. If you live in the country, go to the city. If you live in the rich part of town, go to the poor part of town. If you live in Oklahoma, take them to a whole different state where people have things like open minds and small waist-lines. Also, this is a good chance to get to spend some time with your kids….while they’re strapped into seat-belts and can’t get away from you.

4. MP3 Player loaded with great music that they don’t know about. C’Mon. The top 40 charts have played about 4 good songs in the last decade. That’s all your kids are hearing. Give your kid the gift of music. Indie tunes and old stuff will blow their little minds. Lady Ga Ga, The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, and the Black Eyed Peas all suck.

What? Where do I get off telling you how to live your life? Good point. Raise stupid annoying uncultured kids. See if I care. For the rest of you…Merry Christmas.

Castles in the Air – The East End

So I like to dream. I like to dream in detail, even. Why keep them to myself? The “castles in the air” quote is almost cliche, but I love it. I love that we are free to dream grandiose dreams and to work to make them real. I have dreams for what Tulsa can be and I believe that with work they can happen. I post on TulsaNow’s message board and decided to move this one over here and do a few more of them for old time’s sake. I’ve been busy with the new restaurant and haven’t been blogging in a while. Things are calming down now and I’m finding myself needing to write.

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.
Henry David Thoreau

Dozens of ideas have been thrown about over the years regarding Tulsa’s “East End” or “East Village.” This area is largely regarded as roughly 3rd or 4th to 8th or 9th from Elgin to HWY 75. It is largely made up of empty unused surface parking, some land owned by Bill White, including a dealership, some old Nordam property and some signs of life on the North end with Micah Alexander’s little neighborhood, the Pride center, etc.

Here we go. Here are the elements I’d attempt to weave together if I was a big fancy rich developer awho could lay the framework for the whole area out ahead of time (which is what should really happen here). One at a time type development in an area like this with no clear vision for the whole space could cause us to lose the ability to do something truly notable).

1. Park: Imagine green rolling hills with mature trees, landscaping, picnic areas, playgrounds, a disc golf course (or at least a place for some touch football), a baseball field, climbing wall, and/or azalea garden type place where people would want to get married, an outdoor theater for Shakespeare in the park type events and outdoor concerts, and a space for picnic in the park movie showings, and of course…a couple of fountains.

2. 365 days a year carnival: Picture a walk up Ferris Wheel, Carousel, Sky Ride, Roller Coaster, Fun House, with street vendors integrated into the park selling hot dogs and cotton candy. This would be a fun, moving, and really unique element which would provide some compelling attractions to our citizens and to visitors…and as for their geography within the neighborhood, they should be situated in such a way to help bridge the park to…

3. Retail: Think Tattered Cover Bookstore, Crate and Barrel, Urban Outfitters, NikeTown, Puma Store, American Apparel, LoveSac, Patagonia, Lacoste,  Trader Joe’s grocery, Einstein Bros Bagel and Coffee, etc. What I’m suggesting is this – attractive notable retail that people from all over the metro area would be compelled to visit and that is recognizable to convention visitors. Mix the chains with unique local boutiques and restaurants (including a restaurant/bar/movie theater) and you have Tulsa’s absolute best shopping experience – Store to store, pedestrian style shopping on stone walkways with outdoor sidewalk dining, a nearby park and carnival with Tulsa’s beautiful skyline backdrop. Woodland Hills Mall? No thanks. Utica Square? Hoity Toity. Promenade Mall? Yeah, no. Tulsa does not have a pedestrian oriented “get it all in one place” type of thing that isn’t completely out of reach financially for most citizens or a boring and unoriginal indoor shopping mall.

4. Residential: Put residential units above much of the afore-mentioned retail in true mixed use construction with additional condos or row-homes butting up against the highway. People living in and amongst the action guarantees that there is always life in the area.

5. Museums and Interactive Experiences: Childrens’ Museum – cool. Interactive music experience highlighting Tulsa’s unique music heritage and providing Tulsans with a fun, interactive, always changing celebration of music – really cool. Add to that a place for summer music camps, for students from local elementary, middle, and high schools to perform, and a music store selling local music…really really cool and a big part of reinforcing Tulsa’s growing identity as a music/entertainment city….and a big reason for people to visit downtown.

6. Integrated Parking Garages: This one is important. Parking garages that are wrapped in retail, underground, or otherwise integrated into the other elements mentioned would serve to preserve as much of the precious land in the area as possible and would serve as a profound example to the surface parking loving citizenry of what happens when you solve the issue of parking with creativity and purpose. We don’t have to have a big ugly parking garage. We can put parking under things, on top of things etc, but the goal should be to create an environment where cars are rarely if ever seen and completely unnecessary to get around.

Lastly, my hope for this unique and appealing part of downtown would be that it would serve as the large hub of continued retail development that would head west down 5th street all the way to Denver and as east through the Pearl District up 6th street. The entire north side of 6th street from the highway all the way to Peoria is prime…except the VFW, right? Leave that. Let’s not forget to head north down Elgin all the way to the ballpark. The East End, or whatever you want to call it, is the most critical piece in the downtown development puzzle. It is our opportunity to create a place that has all day appeal to all kinds of people. It’s not night-life oriented. It’s not car oriented, it’s not just geared towards young professionals or empty nesters. It’s not dependent on an event center like a ballpark or arena. It’s got way more moving parts than that and it works because it’s easy to get to (the BA dumps you right there), appealing to live in (can you imagine a cooler place to live?), and a unique treat to visit (suburbanites as well as Tulsa’s rural neighbors would love some Nike store, carnival rides, etc). You put downtown’s trolley/bus transit hub there and people can easily head north to blue dome and brady or west to the civic center and arena or south to TCC and church and 18th and Boston.

And this next part is not my idea at all, but I think it’s great. You know that big ugly brown graham cracker looking building across Elgin from the East End? Mark the whole area by projecting images up on to that building. You get rid of the ugly and you create a large, moving, ever-changing work of art towering over the east end. Maybe put big white canvas screens that cover the sides in a fashionable way by sticking out from each side of the building and fill them with moving images, announcements of festivals, etc…. Cool idea if you ask me.

In time as Tulsa’s master plan is updated, the Pearl District starts to take shape, the ballpark is open, and the Blue Dome is more alive, the void that is the East Village is going to become even more obvious. Hopefully our zoning and infrastructure planning are improved to make something like this appealing for investors and developers.

Check back for my unfettered dream for Rt. 66.